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Indian Children's reactions to divorce
Preschool Age:
The fear of being abandoned crops up because of the disappearance of one parent. Children might always be preoccupied with the fact that something bad might take place with the parent. The concept of a mere meeting with the other parent wouldn't have much relevance. Since children of this age are entirely dependent on their parents are really fail to comfort themselves.
At times they become restless if they don't find you in front of them. Previous habits like thumb sucking, bed wetting, pacifier or security blanket/toy, irritability, crying etc may be adopted. Nightmares are quite common and restless thoughts revolve around their mind. They blame themselves for their parents separation.
They constantly crave for reassurance that the custodial parent would never leave them. Make them realize that they mean the world to you.
Elementary school age:
Children may be a victim of guilt feeling who often hold themselves to be responsible for their parents breakup. They are often disturbed with the thought that the other parent mind adopt a new baby who would receive much love and affection. The other parent's absence is greatly missed.
The result of all these preoccupied thoughts directly reflect in their school's performances. A gradual decline in performance is not unusual due to constant gripping of worries and depression resulting in poor concentration.
Consult your child's school counselor and teacher. Adults at the school can prove to be big boosters in lending all the support required by the child to cope up the difficult phase. Some elementary schools have the provision for the children of divorced parents. These children can speak up their mind to the guidance counselors who in turn extend the necessary help for them to return to normalcy.
Late elementary and middle school age:
During this phase children are greatly dependent on their parents for the implementation of their dreams, desires and careers. They frequently get angry and blame either of the parent. Anxiety, anger, loneliness dominate their normal bent of mind.
Children may even support either of the parent whom they consider not responsible for the break-up. They even extend their help and become a caretaker for the parent who feels extremely dejected due to the breakup.
Complaints regarding various physical ailments like headaches, stomachaches, etc crop up. Stealing, vandalism, lying, manipulating, playing one parent against the other, sudden changes in school performance may crop up.
Teen ages:
Certain boundaries and limits are of utmost necessity during adolescence which get destabilized through a divorce. They constantly think of the consequent impacts that would reflect on their career plans and future. They frequently notice their parent being gripped with anxieties and hence feel completely neglected. They get more inclined towards peer groups.
College going children are greatly disturbed about important events like higher studies, weddings, etc.
Children often feel ashamed of a divorce in their family and at times conceal it from others. They express their displeasure of being different from other kids.
Bear in mind that a child of any age also has to undergo through the painful phase of grief, denial, anger, sadness, withdrawal, anxiety, etc. similarly as you need to. As a parent you need to devote to allow them come out of the phase. Family, friends along with teachers,and school counselors may be a great boon to overcome the depression. The healing process for you and your child would undoubtedly take 2-3 years.
Have frequent discussions with your kids to reassure them that their fears and angers are normal. Allow them sufficient space to express their emotions.
Helping children cope with divorce:
DO's:
Parents need to sort out among each other the procedure to adopt to explain their child whatever is taking place. You may end your marriage but your responsibilities as a parent will never end. Anger, rage, depression, fear is quite normal. Keep apart your intense feelings for each other. As parents it is your duty to help your children come out of the difficult phase.
Envelope yourself in a commitment to shield your children from parental conflict. Forget the other parent's lapse on commitment. Since the children mean everything to you get along with your commitment.
Both the parents together should convey about their impending divorce to their children at least a week before which would give them a reassurance that even if their parents don't live together they would parent together. If there is a variation amongst the children's ages it is advisable to talk individually to each of them .
Keep the conflict apart though it is vary hard to be calm and rational at this stage. Convey them clearly without blaming the other parent. Make them believe that the problem is only between both the parents and the children are not at fault. This in turn would help the children analyze that they are the best gift of marriage for both the parents to treasure and cherish.
Devote sufficient time to make them explain what divorce exactly means. Never assume them to know everything that is enveloped within this simple word . Try not to burden children (even older children) with information about sexual relationships and infidelities. Make them understand that both the parents cannot get along together.
Make them understand how the future has been decided for them.
Be precise about visitation of the leaving parent. Children should frequently be taken to the leaving parent's residence where they can spend a few days. Children should be specified with the relevant information about the meetings and contact information.
DONT'S:
Never entertain an open chronic conflict in front of children. Avoid speaking in a negative way about the other parent to your children. Never instill in them the feeling to avoid meeting the other parent. Don't abandon your children physically or emotionally. |
